By: Anthony Francis
What in the wide, wide, world of low budget direct-to-video action bizzarro films did I just see?
Writer/director Valeri Milev’s Bullets of Justice is one of the most insane films to come along in a decade or more. This film,in every moment and every single frame, is the definition of batshit crazy.
Let us begin.
The film opens with a half-man/half-pig being shot in the face by a former bounty hunter turned mercenary. The mercenary and his sidekick are immediately attacked by other man-pigs on jet packs shooting razor-sharp saw blades. What follows in the wake of this wild opening makes that sequence look like The Sound of Music.
It is the distant future in the years following WWIII. Military scientists developed a secret project called “Army Bacon” where they tried to create super soldiers by making human/pig hybrids called “Muzzles”. The experiment failed and the Muzzles have declared war on humanity, harvesting them for food. In a twisted form of revenge, the muzzles fatten the humans up before slicing, cooking, and devouring them.
The Americans and the Russians developed a biological weapon to wipe out the unholy hybrid of Muzzles. Unfortunately, saidweapon has made every human sterile. Why and how is never explained but it is used as an excuse to watch a female run her hands over her naked body, waxing poetic about the fact that she desires life within her womb. I genuinely believe the sterilization plot point only exists for that one exploitative reason, as it is never fully dealt with again.
A cardboard box bland Timur Turisbekov (who also co-wrote the screenplay with the director) is Rob Justice, the hero bounty hunter who seeks a Muzzle named “Benedict Asshole”. Benedict (a repulsive Muzzle who has a rectum for a mouth and speaks in flatulence (I know. I know.) may hold information about… well, who the hell truly knows?Something about where the main bad guy holds court, but the screenplay is so haphazardly thrown together that nothing makes much sense.
Justice teams up with fellow bounty hunter Nina (Yana Marinova), a sexy and beautiful woman who sports a full mustache because, of course she does. The two are out to save humanity. Along the way they have passionate and graphically filmed sex. Both are in deep love with one another both emotionally and physically. Oh, and they are brother and sister. (I know I know.)
There is a human villain who looks like a wasteland Michael Bolton and who Justice sees in ill-timed visions. Justice has dreams, both waking and in slumber, of this villain dancing sexily in only a G-string. His long curly locks blow in the wind as he taunts Justice with a wild sexual dance that is silly beyond all reproach. Perhaps it works in the scheme of things, but it is certainly ridiculous.
Justice keeps commenting that this person in his visions is evil and must be stopped yet has the most perfect ass he has ever seen. It even disturbs a few of his sexual liaisons. Where does this plot point go? It is not a spoiler to say that the two men will meet in a big finale. Is that finale a big action set-piece with the hero and villain going mano y mano in a fight to the death? Not really. I will not tell you what you will fully experience but I will warn you that there is a musical number sung by a character and eventually a dance off. (I know. I know.)
The cast entire is nothing to write home about. There is not a good performance in the bunch, but performance strength is certainly not the goal here. The great Danny Trejo is featured prominently in the ads and on the poster, but he is in the film for less than 10 minutes. His presence in something like this is a mystery that Sherlock Holmes would have a difficult time figuring out. While Trejo’s career exists in the DTV world these days, this is beyond anything I would imagine the actor saying yes to.
One positive for the film is the makeup and gore effects which are quite good. The pig creatures are gruesome in their existence. These are vile abominations, and the makeup department deserves a shout out for their well-crafted creature design.
The FX crew did what they could with their low budget. While the explosions and some of the stunts are worthy, much of the special effects aren’t any better than something you would see on the 1990’s Power Rangers tv show. In fact, those were better than what we see here.
It seems as if director Milev is trying to get as close to actual sex scenes as he can without an X rating. Justice has carnal knowledge with almost every female he encounters. Every sex scene is graphic, and every woman has silicone breasts that areapparently popular in a desolate post-WWIII world. While I am far from a prude, there was no reason for the sex scenes to be this graphic beyond selling the film to foreign distribution companies who require T&A. Otherwise, they just felt out of place. Or perhaps they did have a place in this outlandishly WTF film where absolutely anything goes.
Chock full of perversion, graphic violence, sex, incest, anus mouths spewing excrement, flatulence, bloodied bodies of obese humans piled in manure, and more full frontal male nudity than a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibition, Bullets of Justice is an unabashed orgy of the grotesque. The film’s mission seems to be a desire to check every exploitation box it can, and it does so without apology and with joyous exploitation glee.
I cannot say that I liked this film, but I must recommend it. I most certainly did not hate it.
For Action film fans, Horror fans, and fans of movies that push the boundaries of good taste, there is something here to keep the interest of everyone.
This is a rancid and quite unpleasant film, and I could not stop watching it! (I know. I know.)